Anna Karenina has been on my bucket list of books forever. At almost 900 pages of classic Russian literature, featuring characters with complicated names that come with coordinating nicknames, it’s not a book you mindlessly pick up to take to the beach. First of all, it would take up your whole dang carry on. And second of all, Maggie Gyllenhaal performs—not reads, performs—an audio version of it. So, set some time aside, 36 hours if you are going to hang with Maggie, and get ready for the long haul. And when you’re ready, check out the longest book review I have ever written about the longest book I have ever read.

Warning: There are spoilers ahead, but I give you ample warning. I can’t read almost a thousand pages (or listen for almost the length of a work week) without getting really into the specifics. But first, let’s cover some basics.

Who’s Who?

Prince Stepan Arkadyevitch Oblonsky (aka Stiva) (aka Oblonsky). He’s married to Princess Darya Alexandrovna Oblonskaya (aka Dolly). Wealthy. Five kids. He’s a cheater cheater pumpkin eater.

Then there’s Stiva’s pal Konstantin Dmitrievitch Levin (aka Kostya) (aka Levin) a poor farmer who lives out in the country and is in love with Kitty.

Kitty (aka Princess Ekaterina Alexandrovna Shchebatskaya) is Dolly’s sister. She’s not in love with Levin, and in fact, she refuses Levin’s marriage proposal because she’s in love with Vronsky. #Drama!

Vronsky is a Count. Of course he is. And he’s hot, single, has money and is also known as Alexei Kirillovich Vronsky. Oh and he’s hopping in the sack with our leading lady, Anna Karenina.

Anna (aka Anna Arkadyevna Karenina) is gorgeous young wife of old and boring Karenin. She’s also the mother to Sergei Alexeyitch Karenin, or, Seryozha.

Karenin (aka Alexei Alexandrovich Karenin) is a Senior Statemen that is super concerned with his reputation and not at all happy with Anna.

There’s other characters of course, but these are the main ones and just referencing their names and nicknames probably accounts for 100 of Tolstoy’s 900 pages.

Digging In

Tolstoy has written a fascinating and epic novel of people falling in and out of love, making good and bad choices, and suffering the consequences and benefits that come from love—despite the fact that I am not sure I would call Anna Karenina a love story.

It’s more a social commentary on a young woman’s short-sighted choice to go out on her marriage—her unhappy and loveless marriage to a man twenty years her senior—that results in Karenin issuing Anna an ultimatum. She can either leave him—and their young son forever—in favor of divorce and Count Vronsky or she can keep her son and stay married, but cut off the Count. In a decision many would disagree with, Anna chooses the Count.

If you’re still with me, that means she chose to leave her son. It’s a rather shocking choice. Rarely do we look favorably upon women that choose men over their child. And, you have to remember, this was written in 1877. It was a time when women were often forced to marry young, religion prevented divorce, and the laws were not in favor of women.

And of course her relationship with Vronsky develops it’s own challenges. They have a child. A child he can’t claim as his own, because, as it turns out, Karenin won’t divorce her. Anna grows jealous of Vronsky as cheaters often do—worrying that their partners are doing to them what they initially did to their spouses. Funny how cheaters become an untrusting lot.

Spoiler Ahead!

Is it really a spoiler if the book was written over one hundred years ago? Well, I can’t share my thoughts without spilling my guts.

Anna kind of loses her mind. She spirals and and sees no way out of her situation. Karenin won’t divorce her. Vronsky can’t assure her enough that his intentions are true. She misses her son with Karenin and dislikes her daughter with Vronsky. She’s miserable and she wants others to suffer the way she perceives she has. In her misery, she recalls being at a train station years earlier, with Vronsky, when a man falls under the tracks. It’s this shocking memory that gives birth to an idea.

Yep! She throws herself under a train! A FREAKING TRAIN! And, yet, if ever there were a person’s demise so breathtaking, I think this was it. It was stunning, in a freak-show-can’t-look-away kind of way and I backed up the audio recording multiple times to hear sweet Maggie’s voice articulate it again and again.

Let’s pause for a moment.

A FREAKING TRAIN!

The Swoonworthy Part of Anna Karenina

And then, the love story that did work out—Kitty and Levin! If you recall, Kitty initially spurned Levin in favor of Vronsky. Unfortunately, Vronsky only had eyes for Anna and this left Kitty humiliated and deathly ill. Levin, still heartbroken and pining, was secretly glad to learn Kitty was single and perhaps a little deserving of the illness. Knowing Levin and Kitty should be together, the Oblonskys orchestrate a social gathering that will facilitate a meet up. Who new such a meet up would turn into a total meetcute? I will spare this spoiler; but know it involves a cryptic love note the two write each other during the party that sets the record straight and results Levin asking for her hand marriage. This scene I could also play again and again. I can’t even with the cuteness. That Tolstoy knows how to court!

The wedding day is hilarious, their relationship is full of professional bickering and a child is born. The overly contemplative and super philosophical Levin questions if he’s truly happy and learns the answer during an afternoon storm that puts his young bride and son in harm’s way. Levin and Kitty are total #CoupleGoals.

So super dramatical, right? Right. And I loved it. I loved almost every minute of it. There were some agricultural politics and Russian business mumbo jumbo that was a little snoozeworthy. But the voyeuristic view into these characters lives and choices was wholly satisfying. So much so, I am pretty sure I want to read it again. And I don’t read anything again. Certainly not 900 pages of something, Maggie or not.